Sorrow Runs to Silver Dust

Today I realized that I’ve been coasting through these recent years without much effort and almost no real drive. Parts of high school required hard work, which I did without thought or protest, and when it got too hard, I gave up, if I thought it wasn’t worth my time (i.e. pure math, chemistry).

I am eighteen years old. That is young. There is no reason for my constant feeling of dread about the real world; for this thought that cruel reality has already gotten the better of me. Believe me, I am fully aware of the imminence of these two things, but they have arrived far too early. I should be proud; no, I should be ecstatic that I have not messed up my immediate future already. I have just as much promise as the average person of my age. I should not feel like a failure when I am not one. It would be nice to have some confidence about where I’ll end up, but that’s not how things worked out for me. I can deal with that for now.

My personality type is described as the ‘counselor idealist’, and part of that means I focus heavily on the future. I think one of my main problems right now is that I can see myself ten years from now, hopefully married with a kid, but I can’t see myself three or four years from now.

Basically, I need to stop worrying about everything. I will figure out what I want and ardently seek it.