Learning to be Lonely

The loneliness is the worst part. Before lunch, I hadn’t truly laughed yet today. There’s a coldness in the air; I don’t know anyone in my classes apart from art. I have to let go. I know it. I have to grow up. You know, everyone I talk to say high school days were such good times, but I’m not having fun yet. I can’t even imagine how Gloria must feel. She doesn’t know anyone. I just feel so alone in class. I’ve started to make friends, I suppose. Erika in French, Kendell and Josh in English, Lisa and Kevin in Math and Selby and Amy in art. I hate being so shy. In times like this, I’m sure it’s like a sickness. I also hate being unpretty. I feel so self-conscience lately. Last year started kind of like this. I hope it turns out the same. Only this year I can’t do anything about it. Last year, it seemed like a homeroom switch would do it. (I’m so happy now that 9-22 was full.) Now and until next semester I’ll have this lonely feeling.

I’ve got great teachers but it’ll take adjusting. For example, as much as I like Mr. Neufeld and think he’s a nice guy, he just is not Mrs. Macdonell. No one is. Mrs. Terenta was so orderly but Mrs. Flock seems more spontaneous. I haven’t had an art teacher for awhile, and Mrs. Nelson is so funny. Mme. Wowkodaw seems like a nice person but learning French is just so earthshatteringly boring. Kim, Mark and I went to Wilma Hansen to visit after school today. We caught Mrs. Macdonell and I was so happy. We chatted for a while and we also saw a bit of Mrs. McLean, Mrs. Nelson, and Mrs. McRae. Whenever I go there now I feel like such a stranger. Like the teachers are all smiles but inside they’re thinking, ‘you’re in high school now, time to move on. Stop living in the past.’ That’s how I felt with Haultain too. I’ll try not to visit every week so they don’t get tired of me even though the thought of visiting was all that got me through today. I don’t doubt that this will get better, but still I think my ‘skipping off to school’ days are over.