She Hadn’t Always Been So Cold
Heroes killed her self-control.
Being able to breathe became a luxury; she’s soaking through.
I wrote some time ago about a strange dream I had, thinking I was awake in the dream, and then waking up with sleep paralysis. That was the first time it happened to me in that way, but it has been becoming more regular now and I don’t know why. It’s different now than it was. That time, I woke up from a full night of sleep, paralyzed, but it wore off and I felt fine. What’s becoming common for me (3 times a month at least) is that I’ll fall asleep but then dream that I have insomnia, tossing a turning and looking at the clock. The clock is the only reason why I know it’s a dream. While asleep I read the clock as, say, 1:12 AM but then wake up for real to see it’s still only 12:40. This on its own would be vaguely amusing, except that while dreaming, I’m struck down by a different mysterious, scary affliction each time. Last night, every time I tried to sit up in my dream, I’d hear nothing but head-splitting screams until I lay down again. I think part of me knew I had to wake up because something was very wrong, but I couldn’t do it, I didn’t know how. Some force was holding me to the bed because I felt resistance when I tried to sit up, but mostly it was the screaming that made me lie down again after trying to get up. Eventually, despite the screaming I jerked myself upright and shook my head until I woke up for real. Though, I didn’t wake up paralyzed; I woke up feeling like something had been strangling me until then, and that’s what’s been happening more and more often.
I wondered if I have some kind of sleep disorder, but the “symptoms” don’t really match anything I can find. The dreams themselves I consider harmless. Unsettling, but harmless. When I wake up feeling choked, that’s more concerning, although my pulse is normal, my breathing seems normal. It never happens twice in one night. I guess what has me a bit anxious is that I don’t know what’s happening and I don’t know why it’s happening.
Anyways, back to the regular stuff…
Things have been busy but pretty good these past few weeks. I’m finally done driver’s ed, left with a suggestion to practice for 20 hours and then take the road test. I need to keep that in the front of my mind or else I’ll just get lazy and put it off, and then it’ll be snowy for 5 months and I won’t want to take it! So yes, focus focus.
I kind of feel like I haven’t had much free time these days, but I think that’s just because I had a lot of little (and some bigger) things on my “stuff to do” list. After this weekend, most of it is done, including the new church website. It just needs to be edited a bit and then it’ll be ready to launch. Yay! There’ll be some things I’ll need to add to it after the launch but I think this initial process is what really eats up the time. Still, it’s going to look so sweet!
In less than a week from now, I’ll have been working at Gemini for three years. Oh man, time flies! Sometimes I still feel like I just started. But then looking at the project folders, my first project was #0464 and on Friday I finished project #0666 (which gave me surprisingly little trouble considering its number…). And you know… I think I’ve changed quite a bit in the last 3 years. Not in obvious ways; maybe I’m the only one who can see it.
For one, I feel much less scared to speak out when I’m in a group that I don’t know well. I’ve realized that charisma has to be practiced and worked at just like anything else. I used to think that I just didn’t have it, you know? You either were born with that life-of-the-party air or you weren’t. So untrue! It may come more naturally to some, but sure it can be developed. I’ve realized that being shy and being quiet are different things. If I’m not speaking in a group setting, I want it to be because I’m choosing not to, not because I’m too scared to say something. The older we get, I think the more we recognize our social fears (for those who have them) are meaningless. People aren’t going to unanimously love me, no matter how I try. People are going to misinterpret me, no matter what I do. So I’m growing out of being shy. It came as a shock to me when I was in Germany this May and at parties with André’s friends. I knew, then, that the only thing holding me back from being witty and delightful and charming and brave was the language barrier. When I realized that, I thought, woah! In the past, it would have been so much more.
A while ago, Mike made a Fullmetal Alchemist reference that I missed totally, which made me realize that I’ve forgotten nearly everything about that series since I watched it about four years ago, so we’re watching it again. You know, that show is stupid and juvenile and contrived at times, but it has some scenes and concepts and characters I really love. Next up: Deathnote.
(Listening to the FMA soundtrack)
Colette: What’s this song called?
Mike: “Rakuyou” or, “A Sober Reflection Upon the Consequences of Human Transmutation”.
