I Lose My Breath

Despite the air.
When the rain falls down, I give in to despair.

It’s times like this that I wish I were an extrovert. I’d probably be feeling awesome right now if I were; I’ve done so, so much in the past week. Sadly, being energized by that level of activity is not reality for me and I feel emotionally spent.

With a lack of time to reflect on the meaning of it all, and getting caught up in event after event, happening after happening, I don’t know but I just feel sad. Or maybe that’s just how “over-tired” is manifesting. When mildly but constantly stressed, I become hyper critical of myself and others and that is not a happy mindset.

I feel sort of like the majority of things I’ve done this month have been things that I wanted to do, but for a reason other than “I want to do it”. For example, the all-nighter 30 Hour Famine. The event itself I knew would knock me out for days. I wanted to do it to show my support for the students that try to make a difference. But things like “showing support” and “deepening a relationship” have long-term payoffs, so I’m not necessarily feeling the warmth right now. Maybe that’s part of why I feel so dead.

The other things this month have been or are things I feel simply duty-bound to. They too are things I like, but begin to resent when my surrounding life gets so busy. Things like face painting at the Stampede breakfast. In a slow month I’d eagerly be looking forward to it. Even now I guess I sort of am, but more than anything see it as a duty. It’s not very often that “art skills” are required by the church to “further God’s kingdom”. So when an opportunity comes up, I don’t feel right about saying no.

I finished Pride and Prejudice and Zombies a while ago. I thought it was a pretty sweet book. I also thought it would be pretty sweet to live in Jane Austen land where no one goes to work and people can just chill out on their vast acres of green land with their family and await the next big party. Don’t make dinner, there are servants for that. You must be tired from your stroll in the garden, maybe you should take a nap.

That’s what I’d really like right now. To take half a month off work and go somewhere remote where no one would suggest going on a hike or attending a baby shower. To just pretty much do friggin’ nothing for multiple days would be sweet. I could paint a canvas. I could lie in grass.

I could find my comet.

I don’t think I’ll get to see it.