It’s Not Easy
she would say, rubbing her fingers into the ashtray,
“It’s not easy to erase your blood.”
I sort of feel like learning a language should not be this emotional.
It is, though, and I guess it should be for me. Sarah from frisbee could empathize; she told me that despite its difficulty, learning a language is worth it because it opens up an entirely new world— a true gift for writer-types like me. It is a joy to know a language so thoroughly that you can manipulate words to convey exactly what you mean. There is almost always room for misinterpretation, but instances in which I’ve known I’ve done all I could on my side (to convey meaning) give me satisfaction.
Growing up, I was a shy little girl. I can’t really understand why. At home I was a monarch. At school, often, I was too afraid to say much of anything. I wanted to be friendly and charming; in very small groups, or with my family around, I could be. But not with new people. Not with big groups. I wanted to. I couldn’t.
It’s taken years to get over the crippling shyness. I now feel like I’m on the opposite side of that particular ocean. In true introvert fashion, I still do not say everything that comes to mind. But when I choose not to speak, it’s seldom out of fear anymore. It’s seldom out of, “I can’t.”
Learning French is emotional partly because it puts me right back there. There is fear involved with speaking again, but now it’s coupled with simply not knowing how to. “I can’t,” is back with a very disheartening vengeance.
At best, I’m conflicted. I want to know French. I’m trying, but I feel like I’m not improving. People who said my French improved while in Quebec… I just don’t think that’s true. I spoke more by the end, but that was courage. I could have composed the same sentences before even leaving home, at the same speed.
To get metaphorical about it, it feels like drowning. Finding a sentence I can make is a short breath… if they understand it.
Listening to the French radio sets me off these days. I still only understand enough to grasp the current topic of conversation, nothing more, and that’s just not good enough .
Patience. Patience…
