Find Out For Yourself

Whether or not you’re truly trying.

Things seem to be slightly less busy these days, which is cool because February was nuts and it looks like April’s going to be, too. I’m going to be going on the youth retreat on the first weekend and then doing childcare for the CBWC Assembly at the end of the month with Kim, Alexis and Des. I’m really looking forward to both of them. Youth is going so well, I’m so glad I’ve gotten into it. And I think the timing was good. This kind of thing would have really stressed me out a few years ago but it feels quite natural now.

Funny thing, that. I’ve been going through all these journal archives to get them all in one place, and it’s amazing for me to read my old entries. Like, what uncertainty I faced after high school. I had largely forgotten how wrought with confusion I was. Because now I feel alright about how things are going; I feel like my life has some direction and goals, even if they aren’t grand.

The coinciding of me reading all my entries from junior high and high school and me now starting as a youth leader has, I think, been important and good. It’s pretty easy to forget all the garbage associated with those years, especially since they were outweighed by good things for me. Now I remember thinking back then, “Why are people so nonchalant about high school graduation as an achievement? These classes are hard!”

I’ve been given a lot in life. I should be better than I am. But I’m happy to have been given this opportunity to be seen as a leader and to give back some of what’s been given to me.

I had this fantastic chat with Alexis and Dillon last night, just about this and that. About school and friends and teachers, and what it is to be a Christian. I’ve known them for quite a while now, but last night I was just burning with pride at the type of people those two are, and are becoming. And you know, thank God for the church. I love having younger friends and I wouldn’t have them otherwise.

This morning I got to hear John and Eloise Bergen speak and it was amazing. I need to hear more of their kind of attitude because I need an adjustment of my own. I really need to shape up. So often, too often, I get just negative thoughts and I need to learn to just let them go. And I get so jealous of people. Not of their material things, not ever. But of their relationships and talents and progress and luck. When I hear of people getting too far ahead of me it makes me wish they’d fail, and that’s awful. I don’t want to feel that anymore.

I want to get a clear picture in my head of what a good role model is. Not just how they act but what they are. Because right now, I’m not as good as I could be. Being a youth leader is going to make me a better person because it’s going to hold me to a different standard. Where that used to scare me, it now just makes me glad.