Ideals as Goals

He got up, rebuked the wind and the waves, and said to his disciples,
“Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?”

So, yesterday I had flat-out no ideas for a new entry, and now I have three. And I want to say them all now even though they have nothing to do with each other.

Firstly… I don’t know if everyone’s like this, but chances are good that many are. So let’s go with that. You know how when you’re a kid, you feel like you have some vague sense about what your future will look like? Then you get a bit older and kind of refine your ideals into more specific things. You know what you really want, or at least, you think you do. These become your ‘childhood dreams’ that inspirational teachers encourage you to fulfill, whether or not they truly believe you can do it. You feel like you can achieve these goals until you get into the ‘real world’, whenever that happens. You realize your goals are either way too hard, or just not possible at all. Your expectations weren’t realistic, they didn’t line up with reality because you didn’t have enough information at the time you dreamed the big dreams. You lower your expectations of yourself or of others or of your goals to make them feasible, something you can work with or towards.

Is amending your childhood dreams a form of giving up? Is it settling? Does it mean you admit defeat when you change them to fit more clearly into the realm of possibility? Or does it mean you’re a fighter, not wanting to give up completely, willing to sacrifice a bit of the original plan to land at least somewhere close to plan A?

Completely new topic! A while ago, my brother and I were commenting on how people use music lyrics in their msn names. Both of us have one or two friends who consistently use very emo lyrics, prompting us to feel like they’re not long for this world, like they’re going to kill themselves at any second. But then, you talk to them and it’s always something like:

x starfall says:
Hey… do you need to talk to someone?

pull the trigger and the nightmare stops says:
What do you mean?

x starfall says:
Well, your name seems kind of… I dunno, you sound kind of down?

pull the trigger and the nightmare stops says:
Oh lol!! No it’s from a song, I just like the lyrics!

So, there are a two possibilities. One is that they’re being honest. They just like the words. Two, they identify with the words but they sure don’t want to talk to you about why they’re wanting ‘stop the nightmare’ that is their life.

I know the feeling of liking certain lyrics without necessarily being able to relate to them on a deep emotional level. Sometimes the words are just beautiful. I still clearly remember an instance in grade six when I really, really liked Sarah McLachlan songs. One time before recess my teacher gently came alongside me and said, “Colette… how are things going?” in an uncharacteristically calm voice. I was pretty confused at the sudden attention and replied, “Umm, great as usual?”, inching away a bit. She said, “I just… want to know what would make you write something like this on your desk…”, pointing to some lines in my messy scrawl on my desk:

I’m pulled down by the undertow,
I never thought I could feel so low,
Oh, darkness, I feel like letting go.

It was actually the first time I’d thought about it from someone else’s point of view. Wow, yeah, that did make me look like a depressed kid, didn’t it? “No… it’s from a song, I think it’s beautiful, that’s all.” And I meant it. I didn’t think I identified with the song. I just liked it.

When someone feels so drawn to certain lyrics, does it mean that something in them identifies with the words even if it’s on a symbolic or subconscious level? In grade six, I didn’t consciously associate myself with those words I wrote on my desk, but I was taken and in love with them. I didn’t feel like giving up on life (darkness, I feel like letting go). However, I did always feel like I didn’t meet up to my mom’s expectations or hopes for me. I did feel hopeless sometimes, when she’d insist that I could be getting better marks if I’d just try harder, but I was already trying my best. At that age, you don’t generally associate things in metaphors, but I can draw a few parallels in retrospect. Was I identifying with the lyrics without knowing it? Or can you really ‘just like’ certain strings of words without having them apply to your life in any way?

Last completely different topic: Faith, religion, God, Jesus. A few of the many things mankind can not seem agree on.

It’s funny the way things work out, you know? Last night I watched the DaVinci Code. Everyone knows what that book/movie is about (and if not, do come out from the rock under which you have been living), so I won’t explain it much. Basically it suggests Jesus isn’t really who the Bible portrays him as. It’s just really funny timing for me that the sermon tonight tied in perfectly, and I mean perfectly with what I’d just seen. (Didn’t he even mention the DaVinci Code?)

I remember this from a while ago, but I don’t remember who said it (possibly Angela Laurin?). It hit home with me because I’d experienced it, I think she called it ‘affirmation’ or ‘confirmation’ or something. But, it was when you hear something or read something that sticks out to you, you consciously note it and think about it. Then, bang bang bang, you hear it mentioned again by someone completely unrelated to the first situation, then you hear something on TV that reinforces it again, then a stranger says something in passing that ties in as well. I know God works like that. It’s kind of happening to me a bit.

Awlwyn said tonight, referencing C.S. Lewis, there are three possible ways to interpret Jesus: That He is who He said He is — the Son of God. Or, He was a liar. Or, He was insane. No grey areas.

In the Lord’s Prayer we say, ‘give us this day our daily bread’. Give us enough to get through the day. Normally I think that line is interpreted as the physical and ‘life’ needs. Food, shelter, someone to love you. I’ve come to believe that it means anything, not just things you can see and touch. I think it can also mean, ‘give me enough to go on, give me enough to keep believing in You.’

People have different thresholds that events have to cross before they can believe in something. I get that, but sometimes it’s so disheartening. I, myself with my own eyes, have seen enough to keep me believing that Jesus is who He said He is — the Son of God. I’ve prayed the Lord’s Prayer many times. God’s given me enough proof. Because it’s true, God is in the details. If you watch the details, you’ll see Him. The thing is, me relaying the reasons I believe has never been enough to convince someone who doesn’t.

I think you just have to see it for yourself sometimes.

Because I’ve heard people pray in tongues, different languages that they don’t know. Not just gibberish, because then someone else will come up instantly with the interpretation, the translation, when there’s no way that they understood it. Not priests. Not elders. Kids my age. Kids I saw every day at school. I’ve heard crazy things from people I know well and trust and who’d gain nothing by lying. And I’ve watched the details and seen God.

It’s enough for me. Even to explain it, it doesn’t seem credible. But it’s enough for me to believe.

I’ve just been thinking about it a lot. I want to be a real disciple, not just a simple believer. And I want that for all the Christians in my life. Dedication… it’s hard. It’s scary. But I really like that question from Jesus, “Why are you so afraid?” It’s very assuring in so few words. It has the unsaid implication that we don’t have to be afraid.

Words and sentences can be interpreted differently. Maybe we hear what we want to. Maybe we only hear what we understand. I’m always reminded of the limitations of English. I don’t know why this came to mind just now. Ages ago I was on a sleepover with Kristen and we were talking to each other in perfect dark about everything. At one point she said, “I just want to be God’s.” I immediately said, “Me too”. I meant it. But I thought it was an odd thing for her to say. Who else’s would you want to be? But now I think I misinterpreted. I heard, “I want to belong to only God” when, looking back, she probably meant “All I want is to belong to God.” Slight difference in wording. Fairly big difference in intent.

But I still agree, I just want to be God’s.