I Went Somewhere to Hide

   Far behind my eyes.
 I willed you there to see, but you never came for me.

I feel so tired and worn out.

I’m hoping that a bit of rest is on the horizon, but as usual, I think the out-of-control need in me to always have a project on the go will win out once more. Being productive is a nice feeling though. Something I thrive on. I think that’s why when my boyfriends past and present sleep in so much on weekends, it drives me nuts.

Since Caleb was born I’ve gone full throttle in making the present for Natey that I’ve had in mind for over two years now. At this point I’m probably at 250 hours working on it, nearing full completion in maybe a week or two. And in the middle of November, Kristen and I hosted a funny awards night, like the Dundees on the Office, but ours were called the Tenettes. It was a lot of work too, but it was fun.

Kim came over last week and we made cookies, it was such a good time. I miss seeing her so much… so much. The cookies were a bit burnt on the bottom but they were still pretty good I thought.

Last weekend I went to Live at the Lake, the winter Gull Lake retreat. It was awesome and wild, but also so tiring. Probably the big reason I’ve been so despondent the last few days. It takes a lot out of an introvert to be “on” for so long. Extroverts don’t really get that sleep doesn’t count as “alone time”. It recharges my body but not my soul.

On the bright side, the band there, Tree63, was really awesome. I also went to Robin Mark with Josh and my parents earlier this month and he was wonderful. Such a nice voice!

I also bought myself a nice present a few weeks ago… the pretty bow that I fell in love with at first sight at the Archery Centre. It is very hard to pull back so I’ll need to work up to it. Still, it’s super exciting.

My next projects are going to have to wait until my new computer eventually arrives. I’m pretty curious to see how Windows 7 is, truth be told. If it’s good, then I will be glad in my accomplishment of skipping Windows Vista completely. Anyway, once I get Adobe Premiere on the new machine, I want to make videos for our Alaska cruise and for both 2009 youth retreats. I have the music picked out so at this point it’s just a matter of having a computer good enough to accomplish my vision.

Lately I’ve been dwelling, probably too much, on my past decisions and where my life is headed. It has me a little down, probably because lots of future-thinking is straining when I feel emotionally empty.

Tonight I’m doing laundry. And after that, I don’t really know.