I Watch You Smile
you steal the show
I gaze into your eyes and
you turn & look the other way
Last night I was thinking about my “penchant for admiration”. I don’t know what that would officially be called. But I tend to idolize certain people and, in some respects, attempt to imitate them.
Ever since I can remember I’ve had these figures. They are always women. They are always older than me (though not by much in some cases). To compare them to each other, it’s hard for me to say what exactly they have in common; I liked them all for different reasons. I suppose they have all been reasonably confident (but not shallow and conceited, which repels me quick as anything).
The feeling they give me is, I think, unlike any other. As a child I wondered if it was sort of like what being in love felt like. I have since experienced that it is not the same feeling, but something unique to itself. When I was younger, I didn’t think anything of this tendency of mine. I thought that everybody felt strong, strong admiration for certain people in their lives. By grade nine I was reasonably sure that I felt this admiration more acutely than many others. That it still happens in the same way makes me believe it’s not something I’ll outgrow.
A year ago (almost exactly; that’s sort of strange) I was having similar musings. I wondered if my youth girls feel towards me what I feel towards my role models. Now I’ve decided that they probably don’t, maybe because they just don’t tend to idolize.
The older I get, the more I ask, “but what does it mean?” I guess I don’t know quite what it means, but likely has something to do with a yearning for attention. While I don’t consider myself an attention-seeker (actually becoming embarrassed by it in some situations), attention from certain people feels good. It makes sense that I should want it more from people who I adulate. Although the feelings are not romantic in nature, my heart nonetheless races if they touch my shoulder or pet my hair.
It might not be normal, but I don’t mind. If anything it makes for some light and fanciful feelings, something that makes my life happy.
