The Darker The Secret

the harder you keep it.
    But it’s no victory, always running away like I do.

I pack my life so full of “things”. Events, hangouts. Fun things, yes, but it’s no wonder that I still can’t play the guitar or conjugate a French verb; I spend almost no time at home. And I really, really need practice when it comes to self-discipline.

A few months ago, Lyndsay suggested I think about and write down some goals. I did, and I love them. But particularly in the past few days, I’ve realized that I’ve fallen into a sort of hedonistic rut. I don’t work at things like I used to, especially in high school. When things get hard or tedious, I stop. On Sunday at youth group, we were talking about family dynamics. Chris asked, “Do any of you other first-borns feel this way? Unless you’re doing something that has ramifications for someone else, you have a hard time finding motivation?” At the time, I thought no. The more I consider that, though… yes. The things I wind up accomplishing are so that I won’t let someone down or look bad. My goals and projects take forever to complete if no one’s specifically waiting for them.

My motto for 2011 is hereby a line from my beloved favourite movie, Amélie: “Come on. Make an effort.”

It’s probably going to involve reclaiming some time (or redirecting it; last night Katie and I spend some good solid hours messing around with our guitar/ukulele and that’s what I need more of, so not necessarily less time with friends). Our D&D campaign will be done in a few months and I think I’ll not start a new one just yet.

Above all I should keep in mind the wise, wise sentiments of one Andy Stanley.

• There is a cumulative value to investing small amounts of time in certain activities over a long period.
• There are rarely any immediate consequences for neglecting single installments of time.
• There are rarely any immediate pay-offs for NOT neglecting single installments of time.

How true. How intensely I need focus and drive, my two greatest deficits today. All this comes from many places and thoughts, but notably, Tom Rhodes is inspiring. I said, isn’t it hard to make a living as an artist? His reply was, “not if you’re good.” Genius. I’m glad I hang out with him.